Jerry Springer: Who's my Baby?
by Shurikan-NoS
Summary: A twisted version of what would happen to the residents of hinatasou on a drunken night...


Jerry Springer Presents: "Stay with me and my baby!!"

Crowd: JERRY!! JERRY!! JERRY!! JERRY!! WHOOOOOO!!!

Jerry: Hey, welcome to the show!! Today a father will be reunited with his long lost children. The trouble is, each child has a different mother.

Crowd: OOOOHHHHHH!!

Jerry: Meet Keitaro.

Keitaro: Hi, Jerry.

Jerry: Keitaro, tell us a bit about yourself?

Keitaro: Well, Jerry. Two years ago I failed to get into Tokyo University for the second time, and I had to move out. The thing is that I kinda became a manager at this all girls dormitory (Guys in audience cheer) that my grandma left me. Sure, the five girls living there didn't like me all that much in the beginning, but later on we became close friends. Although I failed for the third time, I got in on the fourth with their support, and I love them with all my heart.

Crowd: AAAAWWWWW!!

Jerry: Would you tell us what happened after you got in?

Keitaro: Well, my aunt who helps me run the dormitory threw this beach party for me to celebrate. That was like eight and a half months ago. I kinda got drunk and forget what happened that evening. The next day I moved out of the dormitory and lived on Tokyo-U campus ever since.

Jerry: And did you remember the fourteen year old you slept with.

Crowd: BOOOOOO!!

Keitaro: What in the name of $K?!?

Jerry: Her name is Shinobu!! Lets bring her out!!

(Crowd cheers deliriously as Shinobu comes on stage in her "little red riding hood' outfit, and stands facing the audience.)

Shinobu: (Timidly) Hello, my name is Maehara Shinobu, pleased to meet you (bows courteously).

Crowd: (Visibly moved) AWWWWWW!! ("You're so cute!!")

(Shinobu sits down next to Keitaro)

Jerry: Welcome to the show, Shinobu.

Shinobu: Thank you, mister.

Jerry: Now I believe you have something you want to tell Keitaro.

Shinobu: Well...I... ("Don't be shy, honey" shouts a nice fat lady in the crowd) well... Urashima Sempai... that night day at the party... you told me you loved me... and we... we.  
(Crowd 'AWWWs" as she is too shy to say "had sex")

Jerry: Don't worry, dear, you don't have to say it if you don't want to.

Shinobu: 'Kay... (lifts up the flaps of the hood covering her stomach) ...please, look after me and our daughter (her stomach is visibly 8 ½ months pregnant)..

Crowd: (bursts into a cacophany of "AWWWs" and "BOOOOs"

Keitaro: Well, I... (Crowd continues booing as he cowers into a corner. Shinobu follows him, eyes watering like the Niagara Falls)

BACKSTAGE: KEITARO NO BAKA.

(Naru, holding a white bundle in her left arm, charges on stage and sends Keitaro screaming into the audience with her right fist. Audience proceeds to shove him back to Naru as she repeatedly tramples him.)

Crowd: JERRY!! JERRY!! JERRY!! JERRY!!

(Keitaro finally manages to haul himself back in his chair as Naru angrily sat next to him. Shinobu sits on the other side.)

Jerry: Welcome to the show, Naru.

Naru: Hello Jerry.  
Jerry: Now, Naru. You and Keitaro have been married for a year and going to Tokyo-U for the past year, right.

Naru: That's right, Jerry. And this (BEEP)ing cheat is the father of my son!! (Shows baby to audience, quietly sleeping, Audience "Awwws")!! How could you do that to Shinobu?! She is just a child!! How are we going to take care of her and her baby!?

Keitaro: Well it happened before we slept together and I was drunk...

Audience: BOOOOOOOO!!

BACKSTAGE: Urashima you lilly livered knave!!

(Motoko, with a swollen belly, charges on stage in a tight black swimsuit and proceeds to slash at Keitaro mercilessly with her Katana. Steve barely pulls her back, but not before losing an arm.)

Crowd: JERRY!! JERRY!! JERRY!! JERRY!!

Jerry: Welcome, Motoko.

Motoko: (Ignoring Jerry) Urashima, though hast vowed to take charge and shelter myself and the two children growing inside me but seven nights ago.  
(Crowd "OOOHHHs" and Naru smashes kicks Keitaro into the audience)

Motoko: ...but I know now that thou lackest the honor and duty bestowed upon a father and husband. I shall live no longer in the shame of being thy lover (draws short sword) I SHALL TAKE MY TWINS WITH ME!!

(It took the entire security to wrestle the sword from Mokoto's arms. The shock sends her into labor on stage).

Shinobu: Stop it...stop it...please STOP!! (Crying deliriously, she goes into labor as well from the shock.)

(Keitaro's face is as white as a sheet with two streams of tears pouring down his glasses as he uncomprehendingly lets Naru strangle him)

Jerry: (HUGE sweatdrop) Well be right back...

(An ad for a glow in the dark vibrator was amongst many other perverted mail order items that was advertised)

Crowd: JERRY!! JERRY!! JERRY!! JERRY!!

Jerry: Hey, welcome back... and...

Shinobu: KYAAAAA!! (a bloody baby girl emerges from a censored blur between her legs). Urashima Sempai...would...you...(huff) like to hold our daughter? (Falls asleep with a warm smile, holding the baby)

Crowd: (Moved by the motherly nature of the scene) AWWWWW!!

Jerry: Isn't that sweet... If you just joined us, Keitaro here has just been reunited with his illegitimate daughter, born just then, and soon with his twin sons from a different mother.

Crowd: BOOOOOOO!!!

Motoko: (Finishes giving birth to first child on the side of the stage) I'LL SEE THEE BURN IN YOMA, YOU KNAVE!! (Screams as the second one starts being born.)

Jerry: and we have two more...

BACKSTAGE: (Voice of a man) DADDY!!

(A brown skinned man who looks otherwise exactly like Keitaro literally flies onstage with a jetpack made of a vaccum cleaner and proceeds to hug and kiss Keitaro).

Keitaro: Who the are you!?

Man: (oblivious) MaMa Su told me so much about you...

Kietaro: WHHHHAAAAATTTTT?!

(Su, young as ever, rides onto stage on her mechanical horse as seen on episode 2, and drives an affectionate flying kick into Keitaro's face)

Su: HULLO!! KEITARO!! LONG TIME NO SEE!!

Jerry: Now, Ms Kaola, is it true that people in your country don't age unless they want to?

Su: YUP!! I stay like this so Keitaro 2 here can play with me.

Keitaro: But its only been a year, Su!! How the...

Su: Funny, it seemed like 22 back in my country...

Keitaro 2: Hey, MaMa Su, isn't that aunt Motoko?

(Motoko screams as she pulls the second child out of herself, and then shifts her eyes back and forth in disbelief and horror between Keitaro 2 and the baby. The second child's skin is noticably darker than the firsts.)

Motoko: (Turns to Keitaro) Urashima, no wonder you had a tan the second time we did it on that day...

Shinobu: (Now awake) THAT MEANS... YOU'VE BEEN WITH KAOLA BEFORE ME!!

Keitaro 2: (Childishly leaps onto Motoko) DID YOU LIKE IT DIDYOU LIKE IT? LETS DO IT AGAIN!!

Crowd: JERRY!! JERRY!! JERRY!! JERRY!!

Jerry: Well, like father like son.

Crowd: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

Keitaro (Being strangled by a now literally burning mad Naru) but...I...didn't...sire...the...second...one... (passes out).

Crowd: JERRY!! JERRY!! JERRY!! JERRY!!

BACKSTAGE: WHY YOU KIDS DON'T KNOW HOW USEFUL KIDS CAN BE AFTER ALL?

(Mitsune walks on stage naked with blurred breasts except for a miniskirt as the crowd cheers.)

Crowd: JERRY!! JERRY!! JERRY!! JERRY!!

Jerry: Now, Mitsune...

Mitsune: (Seductively) Call me Kitsune, sugar...

Jerry: (Swallows in arousal) Now you have kids with Keitaro too, is that correct.

Mitsune: That's right.

Jerry: Where are they?

Mitsune: Well, I loaned them out.

Crowd: BOOOOOOOOOO!!

Jerry: (Visibly shocked) You sold your own children!!

Mitsune: No, sweetheart, I just loaned them out and ask for interest every month, more money that way.

Crowd: BOOOOOOOOO!!

(Mitsune flicks a censored middle finger at the crowd as she seductively does a striptease that drives the men in the audience wild)

Keitaro: (Now Awake) OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD...

(Without Warning, Haruka walks on stage, smoking as usual)

Haruka: Hey Keitaro, you were great last night. Guess what, you are gonna be an uncle and a father now!!

Crowd: JERRY!! JERRY!! JERRY!! JERRY!!

Keitaro: Aunt Haruka...

(Otohime strolls elegantly on stage holding a baby girl in a turtle shell, with Tama sitting on her head)

Otohime: Hello, Urashima dear, do come and make more turtles with me and Tama.

Crowd: (Deafeningly shouting) JERRY!! JERRY!! JERRY!! JERRY!!

(Kaolla is so bored that she lifts a shaft from the saddle of the horse, sits onto it and sets the horse to rocking back and forth)

Kaolla: KYAAA!! THIS FEELS SO GOOD!!

Crowd: JERRY!! JERRY!! JERRY!! JERRY!!

(Granny Hina walks on stage)

Granny: Guess what, Keitaro. When you were 5 I drugged ya and I WAS the girl ya promised to go to Tokyo University with. KYAHAHAHAHAHAH!!

(Keitaro's face is now a pale and expressionless blank as the security fits him into a straightjacket)

Jerry: And here's my final thoughts for the day. Some people have a lot of love to give around. But when you don't give all you love to one person, the other person or (giggles) people will be jealous and hurt by your deceit. Therefore be faithful in your love and save a lot of broken hearts. Till then take care of yourselves, and each other. Good Night.

(Audience Applauds and Cheers as the stage is full of crying babies held by their respective mothers as Keitaro is carted off to the loony bin.) 


End file.
